Day 1 – I was carried away with twirl of headiness and tumultuous chill on spine. It was a mirroring experience. Me looking at myself with bemused lassitude – “How to admire myself?” I remain frozen and gaped at the sedentary swathe around the life. I could have got myself lost for a jiffy but again haunted by something else! Responsibility. Every title and every pleasant thing in life call for “responsibility”
Falling in love! Does it always call for conceding to someone? I wanted my space and wanted her to have her own space. Hence, often we shared a turgid silence. That defined our mode of communication. Her life is full of colours, sound but with me, it was the grandeur of silence. That differentiated me from rest of the world. First time, I have invited someone to share my treasured possession – Grandiloquent of solitude. True, with her I never felt like being perturbed.
Second phase of relation – it calls for “demands”. She was never a dormant partner in my arcane self indulgence. Her gentleness gave way to assertion. She started defining the world around me. I was not familiar with her ways and often got wedged between her agitation and my helplessness. I was checking my email and she was stalking in every possible manner to divert my attention. I have almost shouted at her “Will you please go away —-“and then I noticed her carrying a small piece of bread which she wanted me to taste. I saw her trembling but yet managed to keep the cake on my table. I cried a lot after several years. That day, I hugged her tight and kissed on her cheeks while she was sleeping. I could see her getting quivers. I hate myself like hell.
She is fond of me. The age old myth – Girls love men with height seems to be true. She found it worth to climb all over me and let herself fall down with a hope that I might not let her hurt. I became the substitute for tree, swing, elephant, horse, myriad cartoon characters and anything that might caught her fancy.
I wanted her to be safe with me always but —- that day she fell down banging her head on the wall. I wrapped her forehead with a white towel which was stained in crimson in a moment. It left a mark on her forehead. Another day, I found her shivering in the bed and the blood report alarmed me with a count of 20,000 count of WBC. High grade infection. She cried a lot and requested me to take her away from hospital. There I stood with her without letting any tears coming out of me. My heart was throbbing out of excruciatingly poignant agony. Is this the kind of “responsibility” which I may have to extend for life time?
Each and every moment spent with her defined the most beautiful moments in life. The first word she uttered, the first step she made, the first touch, her facial expression when she tasted ice cream for the first time —- It is an experience of fulfilment!
You are about to become a teenager in a couple of months from now. But again girl —– you were looking the most beautiful when I saw you first. The slice of life in that swathe whom I gawked in awe. She is such a fine little girl My Anoushka!
Once I told Veena… The worst thing about a baby is that she will grow fast…